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Dear Adam:

I hope this finds you ready to have and to hold through sickness and in health, for richer for poor, but most
of all I really hope that you exist. I dream of the day God sat down and wrote our love story. I imagine that you are tall enough to push my praises to God higher than they usually do when I say them, that you have a voice that sings melodies of faith that breaks chains and prison gates. I imagine that you will build our union with the same amount of attention to detail that Noah had when God told him to build the arch. I imagine that even the journey to the covenant will be just like Christ’s journey to the Cross.

Because in your absence I find myself in doubt. In your absence, like Mary Magdeline I became an adulterer, mistaking love triangles for the Trinity, measuring myself and trying to fit in all these rib cages I have laid next to. So I found myself in front of a crowd of men ready with words like stone ready to beat me down to death, some of those men where men I laid next to, some of those men I laid myself down for so that they could sit and I be used as a mat that could lead them to the healing found at the highest place of the temple. I remember one specifically said to me “ngizokuthanda uzuyofa” kanti lokokufa kuyolethwa uyena. Angisenalo iThemba othandweni oluphuma emtwini sthandwa sam, Kakhulukazi oweslisa. In your absence I witnessed man with burning passion for their loved ones, burn them passionately and bury them within the very soil that they were created with by love.

My thoughts are poisoned with the idea that male affection has an expiration date. So this is to inform you that I am not willing to be your Eve if conquering my body is not a reward, even when nothing looks the way it did the first time we made love. My soul will not be able to submit to you if your love will grow weary of leading me. Give me intimacy even on days when I have grown cold because of trying to be strong for you. With all that warmth I will be reminded that you acknowledge and support my efforts to burn this poison.

Let your love be my antidote…

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